I don't want to move.  I'm worried.  Worried that Kevin is being pushed into something for someone else's benefit, that we aren't thinking about what is best for the kids and it is a whole lot of trouble for a year or two.  I'd rather Kevin just work the job from here, move across the bay as planned and allow the kids to grow up in a school, developing relationships along the way.  Honestly, I love our home and living in west Mobile.  Kevin wants to be closer to work, which I understand so I've agreed to move across the bay but 4 hours away?  It is stripping me of all joy and making it extremely difficult to just put one foot in front of the other.  Ava's first day at Taylor-White Elementary was overshadowed by this dark feeling.  When we went to Birmingham last weekend, it felt so foreign, crowded and I didn't like the fast pace of the bigger city.  I realized even more that nice restaurants and stores don't make a home.  Kevin doesn't realize the help that I have here and the extreme joy that family receives being able to spend time with the kids regularly, watching them grow and change at every turn.  I am surrounded by great friends, doctors that I trust and a pace of living that I enjoy...not to mention the beach.  If Kevin makes us go, I sure hope that this is a VERY temporary arrangement and I pray I can get a better attitude about it all.  As of now, I don't want anything to do with it and have a hard time being around Kevin because I feel like he is stripping me from all I know, love and what makes me me.

Nora's Storytime

Nora completely out of the blue today said, "Hold on Mommy. I need to tell a story. There once was a girl named Nora who knew a man who lived in the clouds named Jesus. She asked Jesus to come back because she wanted to meet him but He said, I can't because I'm too busy making pots for Grandaddy."

My family members will appreciate her bedtime story very much.

My children never had the privilege of meeting their Grandaddy but I am convinced they have met him in their dreams or maybe just have a strong God given connection in their hearts.  Ava is 6 1/2 years old and for as long as she has been able to talk clearly and say prayers as a family, she has prayed for her Grandaddy every night.  Every night.  She has never forgotten.  Her ending for every prayer is, "...and thank you for my Grandaddy."  

I wish I could see him again and hear the funny sound he would make when he would stick his tongue through his teeth and squeeze me as hard as he could.  He was all about a bear hug.  I never heard him complain.  I remember him as a listener who loved big.  I miss him every single day but sometimes, my kids have a way of making me miss him just a little bit more.  Today, he must have been on Nora's mind and heart, which means he has been on my mind and heart so much more today as well.  

I love you Grandaddy and I hope you are having fun making pottery with Jesus today.  I bet He is just as impressed with your talent (that He gave) as much as we have always been.  

Lesson Learned

This week, I learned a lesson.  That I'm not too old to learn a lesson.  At first, I was defensive, then mad, apologetic and last but not least, reflective.  I'm a 35 year old who can be childish and is too sensitive and stubborn for my own good.  What is so frustrating is that what I project at times, especially to others, isn't what I feel in my heart and definitely isn't who I am or want to be.  I talk too much.  I always have.  That is never good.

I read a quote not too long ago that has stuck with me.  "If only people would listen with the same passion that they have for wanting to be heard."

That's me in a nutshell.  I just want to be heard.  Problem is, I forget to listen.  It isn't intentional but an inability to shut everything off in my head and focus on what I'm presented with at that moment.

So, after a long week, I came home Friday to a large bouquet of flowers from a husband that adores me no matter what.  They weren't Valentine's Day flowers.  They were "You haven't had a lot of W's in the win category lately" flowers.  And that is why I treasure him.  I don't mind being called out on my mistakes or craziness and I definitely don't have a problem apologizing when necessary but at the end of the day, my husband and my three glorious children, they are the only people who I want/need approval from.  Everyone else...they are people placed in my life by God for a reason, even if it is just to teach me to let things go and apologize.

Can I get an order of SERENITY now please?-

I'm staring at counters full of school papers, grocery bags, library books and tons of crumbs thanks to Eli's constant eating.  Chairs are full of ironing, toys and junk mail.  The floor, even though I just mopped, has all kinds of mystery stuff on it...again, thanks to my bottomless pit.  Yet, here I sit.  I can't figure out whether I want to throw my hands up, laugh or cry.  I promise that as I type and look at all of the things I need to do, I really am thinking, "I'm glad I have three amazing munchkins to clean up after."  Even though I know this and feel it in my heart, I still don't know if I should throw my hands up, laugh or cry.  Just because I know how I should feel about the "stuff" or to do list, doesn't make it any easier.  Especially when I thrive on order and feel more at peace when things are organized and clean.  The fact that I can't find one of #3's shoes, t-shirts for Disney World have disappeared and I just stepped on a Hot Wheel...barefoot, isn't helping matters.  So, while #2 and #3 are napping, I'm choosing to sit here in silence instead of tackling the bazillion things on my to do list.  I may regret it later but for now, it is a few minutes I can call my own.  One day, my counters will be spotless and I will be begging for my munchkins to be little again, messing stuff up.  Or not.  

Now, I'm going to browse through The Container Store online and dream of more organized days.