Happy Birthday Twins!

My sweet, perfect baby blessings are here!   They have actually been here since March 19th to be exact but I'm just now starting to get my head above water enough to gather some thoughts.

I can't post about twins without some photos of the little buddies so feast on this...

3 days old

3 days old - our little country stars

Twin birth:

Not half bad!  I was terrified of having a c-section because after having three the "natural" way, I didn't know what to expect, and I'm a big wuss.  I got my sleep deprived self up at the crack of dawn, had a few fear cries and packed up for the hospital.  I was met at the door to the L&D wing by my favorite nurse in the world!  Sweet Mrs. Sydney has been with me for each of my births in some capacity.  We bonded because of my not so great delivery of my first born.  Let's just say she gets a Christmas card every year.  So, having her meet me there with arms outstretched, literally jumping up and down with excitement for us, made me much more comfortable.  Then one by one, another special doctor would come into the room.  The Doctors we have chosen have all been encouraging and there for me throughout many years of pregnancies and pediatric care.  Mrs. Sydney stayed with me even though she is a night nurse and was already off of work.  Our pediatrician was off that day but came anyway because she said these were "her Jackson twins."  My OB/GYN had already determined that no one else was doing the delivery other than her.  The list goes on and on. With each hug, I melted.  The good Lord was showing me, through the people he sent to be with me, that He was there, He was taking care of me, and He was answering prayers.  I knew it was going to be alright.

What is my advice for those having a c-section?  Enjoy the pain pump.  It will be your VBFF.  Do not wallow in the pain but get yourself up and stand straight up even though you will want to stay bent at the waist.  Most importantly, don't eat a cup full of orange jello right after surgery even though you are starving!  It isn't pretty.


Life with twins:

Hmm....  Exciting, daunting, precious, exhausting, special, difficult and everything in between.  I just put one foot in front of the other and just as it is when I had one child, I just figure it out, one parenting step at a time.  Much more on this later but I have a crying baby to tend to now.  With five kiddos, someone is ALWAYS crying.  Always.

36 weeks

36 weeks...today

Why is it that when you don't want something to come quickly, it seems to come at a record speed.  Eight days.  Eight days as a family of five.  Eight days until we meet our twin boys.  Eight days until our world changes completely.

When the three littles got in the mini to go to school, they were chanting, "Eight days!  Eight days!"  It does feel great to see them excited.  They each have a different view of having two brothers.  Eli (3) loves on my tummy throughout the day and puts aside matchbox cars for them.  Nora (6) is proud.  She learned to tie shoes and loves that her new job is tying my shoes in the morning.  She wants to be a helper.  Win-win.  Ava is excited to love more.  She has a wise take on everything.  I can learn from all of them.  I don't know what I would do without these three and the support and prayers they have given to me.  They may be small but they pray big for their Mommy.

I had two doctor appointments yesterday, something I have become so used to that after this process is over, I will probably be in doctor withdrawal.  I had my last high risk appointment where we learned that Baby A is 6lb 3 oz and Baby B is 6lb 9oz.  Dr. L said, "I couldn't ask for more perfect twins at this point."  Relief to hear when so much could have gone wrong.  I have no idea how my body can hold such big babies time and time again.  My uterus must be like Elastigirl.  We like em' big!  Fat + happy = good sleepers.  Realizing that this appointment was my last made it all feel so imminent.  That nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you realize that everything is about to go topsy turvy...I had it.  Next, it was on to my ob/gyn for my weekly stress test.  Baby A was calm as usual and Baby B was wild and crazy.  They are already showing their individual personalities.  Again, it was an appointment that left me feeling weak in the knees as I walked out because the more detailed conversations of what will be happening in a little over a week had to be discussed.  Maybe it is best if I don't know.  Yikes!

In August, 2014, this is what we were shown and in an instant, the shock set in, which I can say hasn't gone anywhere.

Now, we have two grown boys, heads down and together.  I can't help but look at this picture and wonder if they are already communicating to each other in some way.  

 This is what 36 weeks and 13 pounds of baby looks like.  It is HEAVY!!!  Being pregnant is hard on anyone, whether you are carrying 1 or more children.  It definitely feels different with two human beings in this tummy.  When they are both moving, it is just a boxing ring in there.  I get really exhausted after just a few small errands and move at a snails pace.  My legs always feel heavy as if  I have sand bags instead of feet.  Sleep?  What sleep.  If I lay on one side, the baby on the bottom goes bananas and is yelling "Get off of me brother!"  I turn over and then the other baby says, "Stop touching me!"  It is an all night cycle.

 See this couple.  They are 20/21 and absolutely oblivious to how easy they have it.  They are crazy about each other and can't wait to start a life together but they have no idea that they will one day be embarking on the most rewarding and challenging adventure of their lives.  Five kids!  Who would or can ever predict that one!  It will be a circus.  It's a good thing the circus is fun and colorful!

2001 - University of Mobile 

2015

Change is a Tough Pill to Swallow

A lot has changed.  That is the understatement of the year.  I have had "blog" on my to do list for 6 months but haven't been able to sit down and write.  I was afraid that if I wrote too honestly, it would make me feel even more guilty.  I wasn't going to write until I had the "right" words.  You know...the ones that make people feel happy and cuddly.  I have moments of joyful thoughts but I quickly turn into Debbie Downer.  The real, raw emotions are hard to own up to and definitely hard to write.  If I type them, then they become even more real.  So...here goes.

This is what my family looked like this past summer.

We were happy, financially secure, able to travel, crib down, etc...  I now have the Lego Movie "Everything is Awesome" song stuck in my head.

It was a CRAZY summer.  The husband was asked to live/work in Birmingham for 6 months so we packed him up and moved him into an apartment.  I flew solo with the three littles during the week and made trips to Birmingham on weekends or he came home.  We made the best of it and had wonderful experiences as a family.  I still can't believe what a crazy time it was and wonder how we made it through.  More about this time later.  :)

Then this happened...

IDENTICAL TWINS!!!!  WHAT?!?!

When the sweet ultrasound tech smiled, Kevin laughed and I lost my religion for a few minutes.  Insert emotion here _____________.  We felt all of them.  I mean ALL.  The "mommy guilt" immediately set in.  I have TWO babies in my oven.  I'm supposed to feel elated, joyful, excited, etc...  I am their Mommy so I am supposed to feel sweet, mushy mommy thoughts.  I didn't.  I still don't.  Of course it doesn't mean that I do not want these baby boys and I would never ever want them to think that they are not wanted.  The shock was just more than I could physically, mentally and emotionally deal with.  Everything I was supposed to do or say just wasn't possible.  Obviously, change is not my vbff.  Change of ANY kind makes me panic.  Once things or people in my little bubble are comfy and cozy, I'd rather them stay exactly the same.  "Don't rock the boat" or "If it ain't broke don't fix it" can sum up my way of thinking.  This is definitely rocking the boat or rocking the cradle I should say.  Everything...and I mean everything, is out of my control.

I'm scared.  Terrified.  In the beginning, many around me wanted to tell me how I was supposed to feel or what I was supposed to say, which only made me more upset.  I didn't have anyone that could understand.  There were many internal battles being fought.  I had to keep saying "Sunday School answers" out loud and to myself, hoping that one day, I would grasp the true meaning of what I was saying.  There were two things that helped the most.  I am blessed with a husband who is compassionate and a good listener.  He let me cry.  He held me.  He prayed for me.  We were also blessed with three children who love each other and have hearts with the capacity to love more.  Once we were able to tell them the news (we wrote it on a cake) and see how they were excited, it helped me see that we were going to be o.k.  If they can accept this change and already love unconditionally, then I can too.  I am also surrounded by friends who have given baby items, supported us and offered to help, family who have done the same and doctors/nurses who have let me cry, vent and complain.

It hasn't been easy.  The physical difficulties of carrying two babies in my tummy alone are crazy!   Again, my emotional well-being had and has nothing to do with the sweet gifts growing inside of me but everything to do with my personality.  This was not MY plan.  I did not see a family this big in my future.  I don't roll with the punches well.  I love our small house, our neighbors, etc...all of which will have to change to accommodate more people.  Financial changes will have to be made.  There is one thing after another that must change and my set in my ways self just isn't prepared for all of that.  I'm trying to trust, to lean and to pray but even the strongest of Christians have the "Why me?" question from time to time.

One of my favorite quotes from our pastor, Ed Litton, at First Baptist North Mobile is "God WILL give you more than you can handle because if He didn't, you wouldn't need Him."  I do need Him.  I will trust Him.  I will lean on Him.  I will pray.  I will put one foot in front of the other and I will get through this.  I will hold my two boys and will love them.  I will look back on this time and be grateful for how it has made me search my heart in ways I never thought I would need to.  I will grow stronger in my marriage, as a mom and as a woman.

I am now a few days shy of being 34 weeks preggo.  We look at the hospital bag and baby items with a sense of "Oh my goodness, it could happen any day" rather than "We have time."  The panic button has been pressed.  The fear of having a c-section (I've never had one) and thoughts such as, "Am I ever going to sleep again?" run rampant.  I wear a very very heavy reminder around my waist, a reminder that seems to grow daily, that the day is not too far away when we will hold our boys.  Until then, we will keep trusting, leaning, and praying.  Everything will be awesome!